30+ Best Funny Quotes in English

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Being part of a family means smiling for photos.

The evolution of the digital world has given “family pride” a whole new meaning! Nowadays, family memories, affairs, and experiences can be shared with a simple tap of a finger. That’s why many people upload their family photos as a way to show how proud they are of their families.

I love Dallas. The people there are so friendly

John F. Kennedy is the 35th president of the United States who served from January 20, 1961, to November 22, 1963. Born in Brookline, Massachusetts on May 29, 1917, as the second child of nine children John Fitzgerald Kennedy grew up with a very privileged lifestyle. A lot of websites use this type of false quote referencing John F. Kennedy.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

If you ever find yourself sick and your doctor's office has dead plants in it... run out of there as fast as possible. The health of these plants is a sign of the cleanliness and well-being of the clinic.

I've got soul but I'm not a soldier.

I would not be a soldier. I'm more of the soul type, you know?

Man who walk through a door sideways going to bang-cock
- Confucius -

Confucius was a Chinese philosopher and politician of the Spring and Autumn period who was traditionally considered the paragon of Chinese sages. Confucius's teachings and philosophy formed the basis of East Asian culture and society, and continue to remain influential across China and East Asia as of today. On the internet, you'll find this type of quote reference to Confucious that is fake sayings.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it rains.

When it's sunny, banks are happy to give you an umbrella to protect you from the rain. But once it starts raining, they want the umbrella back. Banks are more willing to loan money to those who do not need it as badly, at times when they do not need it as badly. Banks are less willing to lend during bad times when you need it badly.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

When I was younger, people would tell me that anyone could become President someday. And now... I'm starting to believe it. It seems like anything is possible in this great country of ours!

When I was younger my family would go to the park and one of my favorite activities was swinging on the swingset. But when I got to high school I realized that all of the cool kids were going over to the drug dealer's house.

Every Generation of people observes old things and defines them in a new way. For every century and generation somewhere down the line people’s childhood memories, things are getting changed. In the olden days, kids used to spend their maximum time with friends outside by playing various types of outdoor games. But in the current generation, kids are spending their highest amount of time in front of gadgets and playing virtual games.

People seldom notice old clothes if you wear a big smile.

This funny quote from an American author is perfect for anyone who wants to feel confident in their appearance. It reminds us that people are much more likely to notice our bright smile than they are our outfit, so we might as well smile and feel good about ourselves!

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

This funny quote about happiness is funny because it's true—people are much more likely to find us attractive if we flash them a big smile. If they aren't put off by our teeth, then there's no reason for them not to be instantly charmed.

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

To get your kid's attention, try talking louder and enunciating with every word. If you want your children to pay attention, try talking softly and calmly with someone else. Sometimes it's not working at all.

I'm a gambler, a farmboy, and I'm here to take command of your bloody army!

I love anime

This is Jeff Gerstmann’s quote that we know as fake. Jeff Gerstmann, more commonly known as Jeff G., is an American video game journalist. He was a founding member of the website Giant Bomb, along with former GameSpot editors Ryan Davis and Brad Shoemaker.

In wars, boy, fools kill other fools for foolish causes.
Topic : Funny    Book : To the Blight

I'm not crazy; I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

I'm not crazy; I've just been having this really awful day and it seems like it will never end. To help you boost your mood and get back on track, try some things to do when you're having a bad day. At the very least, they'll set you up for a better day tomorrow!

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

You may think you're a genius, but the truth is that there are limits to how intelligent someone can be. "Genius has its limits" is a saying that conveys the idea of being mindful of limitations. It suggests you understand what your skills are capable or not, so it's best to stay within those parameters if possible in order to prevent frustration and disappointment on both ends.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you think you know what's going to happen, you're wrong. God has a sense of humor and is always one step ahead of us. Be prepared for anything. God gives life and takes life and His in control of all things and nothing can happen without His approval or knowledge. You don't have the power to take your life and bring it back up. Tomorrow is not promised to you. Only if God is willing to let you live.

Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get.

Life is like a huge gift basket that contains all types of surprises. You'll never know what's around the corner. You never know what life is going to give you. But you live nevertheless. So every day - every new experience - is something you really don't know about until you actually live it. It may not be an experience you like. It may be the greatest experience ever. But you don't know until you've lived it, and by then it's too late to not live it.

God this play's awful. Someone, please shoot me.

This is the common quote of Abraham Lincoln. I can't believe this play is so bad. I feel like jumping out and just ending it all! These are fake quotes from Abraham Lincoln.

A perfumed butthole is still a butthole
- Confucius -

Confucius was a Chinese philosopher and politician of the Spring and Autumn period who was traditionally considered the paragon of Chinese sages. Confucius's teachings and philosophy formed the basis of East Asian culture and society, and continue to remain influential across China and East Asia as of today. On the internet, you'll find this type of quote reference to Confucious that is fake sayings.

Elevator always smells different to Midget
- Confucius -

Confucius was a Chinese philosopher and politician of the Spring and Autumn period who was traditionally considered the paragon of Chinese sages. Confucius's teachings and philosophy formed the basis of East Asian culture and society, and continue to remain influential across China and East Asia as of today. On the internet, you'll find this type of quote reference to Confucious that is fake sayings.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

This quote is perfect for those who love to cook (and drink!). Add a little bit of wine to your dishes and see how much better they taste. Not only will it make them more flavorful, but it'll also make you feel more relaxed and festive. Enjoy cooking and drinking with this quote in mind!

A smile is the universal welcome.

You should always greet someone with one, for it shows you're happy to see them and open up your heart towards others in return! People around the world are happier when they see someone with a smile on their face. A big, genuine grin will make anyone feel better and come to your aid in times of need!

Food is like a beautiful woman. If it's not good, it's not worth touching.

This quote is perfect for those who appreciate good food. If the meal isn't up to par, then there's no need to waste your time or stomach space on it. Only eat the best of the best, and you'll be sure to enjoy every bite.

To make egg roll, push it
- Confucius -

Confucius was a Chinese philosopher and politician of the Spring and Autumn period who was traditionally considered the paragon of Chinese sages. Confucius's teachings and philosophy formed the basis of East Asian culture and society, and continue to remain influential across China and East Asia as of today. On the internet, you'll find this type of quote reference to Confucious that is fake sayings.

Laughter is America's most important export.

This quote about family has shown me how much I love comedy. Nothing makes me happier than laughing with the people I care about, even if it's at my own expense sometimes. It brings us closer together and makes our time together that much more special.

Food can be memorized, music has to be known.
- Unknown -

This quote is perfect for those who love food and music equally. What's the point of enjoying good food if you don't know any songs to go along with it? This quote stresses how important it is to know plenty of songs that are suitable for cooking shows or sing-alongs. You'll maximize your fun if you combine music and food into one activity.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When a man steals your wife, Let him keep her. Don’t waste your time on revenge. The people who hurt you will eventually face their own karma. Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore. Revenge will never solve anything, KARMA will. Sometimes the best revenge is to smile and move on.

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.

Siblings can go from best buddies to arch enemies in the blink of an eye. Fighting and arguing between siblings are normal. It's how children learn to sort out problems and develop strategies they can use in other conflict situations. Sibling rivalry is also part of how children work out their place in the family. Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

The brain is the most complex part of the human body. The brain sends and receives chemical and electrical signals throughout the body. The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

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